When I cut myself - I think of you

Trying so hard to cleanse myself,
I was turning into somebody else.
I was trying so hard to please myself,
I was turning into somebody else.
I was trying so hard to be myself
I was turning into somebody else.
I was trying so hard to be myself
I was turning into somebody else.
I was trying so hard to be myself
I was turning into somebody else.

Come my love with your desire
Out of the blue...and into the fire!!

I am just sitting and waiting thinking and brooding. I am the latest. The very greatest, and I admit I´m often wrong. But this is not of great importance. In fact it is the way of my life. Not so important. Just ticking like the clock on the wall. Ticking And talking and advancing with the Tiks talking to the pricks that are willing to lend an ear--or an eye!.

Jumbled and jossled. I keep singing the same songs to myself--only, without the words because I really don´t know the words to any songs.. Maybe three songs in the world I know most of the words to and even then They are likely incorrect. I have a problem getting to grips with the words. I don´t remember them, that´s all. Not much different from learning Spanish. About 4 years I´ve been here, off and on, and still my Spanish is shite beyond compare. I live with it--either that or I don´t, meaning get out or be dead. For the time being I am living with it. And not just that. I live with many other inconveniences. Hard to believe eh? !! But there are some, even in my life of complete ease and simplicity. Lets see. This country is full of shite people to put it blunt. Dishonest ignorant two face liars and cheats. Thats just for starters. It´s not that bad since I communicate only in a limited fashion with them. I observe and take note of others experiences and opinions--In general -- they share my view. I came accross this the other day--

Aren´t we nice people?

She puts it perfectly.

To pass the lonely hours, recently I´ve been downloading podcasts from the BBC. anything I find--In our time- philosophy, Religion, Science, culture, History, .. Desert Island Discs, Things you should know, Scottish football. Off the the ball. and a few others besides.. I just need some mental stimulation when in Esmeraldas. Off the ball doesnt supply that incidently. It´s not even as funny as it once was but I keep up to date with it anyway. As for Melvyn Bragg, the radio shows are often enlightening and inspirational.

I need to mention I am in a state of flux at the moment having to decide where and what and why I am going to do in the near future. I am thinking ...

this is a process. I think slow and move slow and live slow. So, things take time. especially with me. lots of time. And, sometimes I use time as a toy, to regret in later life I suppose. Just like slouching in my chair as a schoolboy and teachers telling me I´d regret it in later life. They were correct. I know and I knew then. I think maybe finally people decide to do the right thing just before death-if indeed they have the time to contemplate. I will do that. I am aware of the errors at the moment but still I don´t react. Foolish or stubborn or both.!

Terrible terrible luxury life.

I will speak again I assume.

So, love and shiny brass horns blowing soulful melodies into the sky--

´til next time...

xxxxx