getting ready to escape again

Well, I've been crushing the symptoms
but I can't locate the cause.
Could God really be so cruel?
To give us feelings that could never be fulfilled. Baby!
I've got my sights set on you. I've got my sight set on you
And someday, someday, someday, you'll come my way.
But when you put your arms around me
I'll be looking over your shoulder for something new
'cause I ain't ever found peace upon the breast of a girl
I ain't ever found peace with the religion of the world
I ain't ever found peace at the bottom of a glass
sometimes it seems the more I ask for the less I receive.

This is the new thing, the next step, and the future beckons with miriad colours shades and under construction esplanades.
The hurt of growing up and the pain of starting again means I seem to always be in a state of being never quite sure what's going on and what's coming and what's gone. One thing for sure is that everything changes. And the past week has seen these ever changing wheels rotate until I find myself beside myself and conversing even, with the familiar face of a passing self. An episode that could develop into brain fever despondency and madness. Yet I sleep sound and rise in the morn with chattering birdies crackling in the air. The starling rises before I do, much to my delight as its audible chatter never fails to entice a smile on my soporific lips.
My first yawn heralds the initiation of another day. But. Having cracked a smile before the realisation of having to face yet another wearisome day signals the possibility of further illuminating moments. I rise

And for me to poke a finger in the eye of this precious life we are blessed with... oh yeah, aren't we blessed.. with pain suffering famine disease, and G.R.E.E.D.
Together or apart. it's all one really. Life is about forgetting and not learning. experiencing and not erudition.
Life is about dying. Everything leads to death and everyone needs to garner knowledge to accept the single and only inevitable.
And so for all the millions of visitors to this humble self deprecating blog. Ha. Right!

For you then. my single devotee. my only friend. my shining light in this all pervading gloom.
I am giving. I'm a giving sort of fellow...
here below lies, a link to download a faustain recording in MP3 format.

getting ready to escape again

don't let the inevitable discomfort you.

with love and emotion, I bid you well

  ..ed

of less than 15-- a short playing long player

I am angry I am ill and I'm as ugly as sin 

My irritability keeps me alive and kicking

I know the meaning of life, it doesn't help me a bit 

I know beauty and I know a good thing when I see it

the newest lp by faustain the great is now complete and crap. Yep. It's the latest thing and no doubt about it. Recorded 100% in Scotland. It's a kind of small lp considering it has just less than 15 tracks. Won't take long to listen to, if you don't like a track don't worry, it'll be finished by the time you realize!. Simps, cannae beat it. It might be shite but it doesn't last for long. Minimum annoyance. And if you do like it you can listen to it over and over again, many times. 

The image below takes you to a download site to access the album, or  ***here***

 my special last thought of climbing the beech tree nearby and contemplating the risks. Common danger associated with possible accidental fall. I won't forego caution if the urge takes me to have an attempt at a scaling.

The country I am from is a plaincrash. and 55% of the people endorse this. I fancied something very different and beautiful.

I wont start prattling on a load o'rubbish like ah normally do. just keep it short and not linger. Curt, I need to be curt. Just say what I intend to impart and that's it ...out of here. away to buggery and fast as a shite on a bike. It's just that I've got a funny feeling in my head just now; a warm confusion sort of sensation. I bit kind of crushing in on me too. This might be important in a non physiological capacity. I'm not saying it's anything. Just saying that I was aware of it. That's all. So I will carry on now and be finished.

Enjoy everything you can

as often as you can

  ..ed

I decline to elucidate on this public forum of self absorption.

Well, hello.
You can no longer depend on the land in which you were born.
You can no longer depend on any land in which you choose to place yourself.
You can no longer depend on the bed in which you lie by night,
or the room in which you sit by day.
You can no longer depend on the pillow in which you lay your head.
You can no longer depend on the existence of silence in your mind when you close your eyes.

Time to make a contribution. ....
Time I had was come and was gone and now is just remaining as a hanging thing that doesny have any aspect ratio. An enigmatic fucking waste of time in this transcendental mortal coil on which we are all dangling; like baby spiders on the breeze.

Nothing new comes to me and so I let the spraff flow in uninformed streams of pish.

Lamentably, the life I find myself to be continuing with is a tangled ball of confusion. Not gonnae spend any time de-tangling that knot of animated verve.... Verve, there's a laugh, I've never had any of that stuff. It does in fact sicken me. lets be more precise and call it inertia. This animated inertia that I find myself involved with daily.

 popped into a separate zone - like in Tarkovsky's "Stalker"- nothing quite seems right and there are questions needing questioned so as we can understand-- something, something that isn't quite linear. Something that breaks the balance of convention in a roundabout fashion. The answers I can realise, yet- they tell me nothing. but the questions they are more pure more convincing.

Brings me round to a real thing that has been happening-  The state I'm in. the flux-- the ever changing state of not having the slightest idea of what's going on in my life. Here I am Here I was Here I may be again.. So, Geographically speaking I'm all over the place. But for this moment I am residing in Colombia on a temporary basis, having escaped a claustrophobic situation that was burying me in love, loss, misunderstandings, unattainable pursuits and other unclassifiable circumstances. But over the past year or so I've had visits into the past through meetings with them people that were part my life during certain historical epochs of my existence. --This IS related to the music, in a loose sort of unhinged capacity. --  These people come and go and sometimes return--and pleasant times and memories and shared ideas, thoughts and theories are very rewarding.... I'm losing the overall narrative here-- The story was to be that of a  walk through of my life skipping all the major events and focusing on the relationship between sound and auld acquaintances-- now it's all buckled and fuckled and certainly gone astraysy.

I think I’m goin’ back
To the things
I learned so well
In my youth

I think I’m returning to
Those days
When I was young enough
To know the truth

...

Now there’s more to do
Than watch my sailboat glide
And everyday can be
My magic carpet ride
And I can play hide and seek with my fears
And live my days instead of counting my years

Y'know, what's best? is it dark or light?--- well, I suppose, the dark is good for night time. And light, that's good for when the day comes. So. they are equal in that respect. but I like best the light. for seeing especially. You can see better with light and it's better for the spirit of a person... to have light.




Ok. Where was I. All that stuff that never came together as it should have. I lost my way. Like in life I suppose. Losing the will the way the necessary requirements. the moments that keep us going are moments that slip away also. the reasons change too, the purpose is not remaining, the very idea of having a long happy life is just the type of shite you read about. Even a short happy life isny possible in my book. I'll settle for a wee bit of contentment, just to pull me through. Y'know how it is in these times. The struggles of everyday living coax and beguile . it's constant so it is. Ye cannae get a minutes peace without some wallaper havin' a go and messing up the ambiance. 




I will come to this again and try to explain the meaning of life to you. It's simple in it's misty milky gyratory coming and going cycle. but later/



for now my loves

 I give my love

ps works ed October 2, 2012

An ephemeral whinging aspect

I do not like your tone
It has an ephemeral whinging  aspect.
It's a curse. I am not unguilty of using it.

And the head begins a long term ache and takes away from the moments of tranquillity. We're not talking of being "in the realm of the essence of tong" -migraine- but none-the-less an awkward discomfort dominates the daily hours.

Life changes from hour to hour, of course, and the feeling of being deceived about whether one is in the countryside or in a city environment is not going to be the important factor in the writing of some journal.

When the doors are closed and the clouds are low the gloom can penetrate the cosiest of havens. My mind it can wander in little circles making explanations for every inconvenience and the ultimate explicandum is that the whole life is just a spek of a spark that sheds light on nothing, and to be over serious about it is the toil of fools.

Having exorcised the seriousness of life and thus lent it a more simplistic flavour I can continue with my account.

….Account of daily marching to a not terribly distant future with a most definite end. The promise that is never broken never thwarted and always within touching distance whether acknowledged or not.

This isny gloomy. It can be looked upon as a logical positivist view of events; it's gonnae happen and ye cannae argue the fact!

Aye, wur doomed. wur doomed. But let's not fret about such a triviality. It happens to be a blessing, a gateway to absolute freedom.  At least it is to us folk that don't manifest any devotion to a diety.

Listened to Shiny Beast  yesterday. Things like that can give you a wee lift. Like the Captain blowing the ‘harp on Carson City, takes away the blues -inserts a wee touch of pleasant optimism—only a wee touch mind—wouldn’t have it any other way. Them folks whose cup runneth over with optimism are destined to a sorrowful end and not such a great inbetween time inspite of their mental frivolity.

Eventually found a working copy of photoshop after a number of years without. Fills my empty hours with re-learning the basics and conjuring some images with ed, or parts of, as the basis. Maybe you will see some of the works on a slideshow at the right of this page, maybe not..

And Chile... nahhh.... not just now... a bit later, mibbe

I've realised I have nothing to say nothing to do ..-- no thoughts and no time to ponce about this blog page for hardly any reason.. so.
I go

With love and mystification

  ..ed

In the wrong position

Ladies and gentlemen, would you now please take your leaveBecause we've sat back looking and nearly been tookEven been scared but now I don't care and I'm telling anyone who'll listenI've seen what's on show and now there's no more to know'Cause I've been there, I've been seen there, I've seemed it, dreamed it,schemed it, beened it

Last had a word with a Mr Baw Heid and took offence at his matter of fact stance, och....

The times they are all changing and not staying the same anymore. I don't want to be in compliance with a change for the worse but I am involved with some contrivance of indelicate knowledge, which is the highest degree of speculative faculties- and has begat me the powers of deceit. Power not action mind

No lies have been spoken or confidences transgressed, no wrong doing in the formal sense, but, yes there are most definite needs for a terrible wisdom - and I am with that. My past is a nightmare of anguish and loss amidst a wee bit of wise manoevering I suppose. The future is scraping at the door and has been for a long time. The scrapes have formed a sizeable indentation and looks like the internal surface is about to be breached unless that is, some prohibitive measures are taken up. the future will not be compromised and will surely not be sullied by this inquisition. Oh no! Ask all you like-- I'm giving nothing away

I’d hoped that by this time in my  (!?life!?) to have found myself nearer...not even close. Looking back as I occasionally do, I recall differing thoughts particular to certain epochs in my existence but these are common and were never of great consequence, as are the present meanderings-- simply an act of chronicle/analysis.. and discovering that WE ARE IN THE WRONG POSITION.
!

Just walkin’ in the rain.  cryin’ again, and getting really upset about certain things without good reason. Temperature is rising and we’re gonna crash so we better get out. Headin’ for a wall -no getting away from it all. WE ARE IN THE WRONG POSITION…

If we get re-adjusted and accustomed to being trusted then we may find out from what we are running --it can be like a wall coming at a hunner mile anhour.-- . and I’m not the only one. Gonnae crash -we're all gonnae crash - hit the breaks, raise the stakes, make mistakes, earthquakes, nervous shakes-- for goodness sake. WE ARE IN THE WRONG POSITION, put on your skates were heading for the gates and altered states will be our fates- better increase the tension- I have to mention- the outcome is --that WE ARE IN THE WRONG POSITION!

Did I grow up? ​?mibby I missed out on something and didn't do it properly, ... Dunno if it does damage, but has benefits and anti benefits/deprivations... Need to look into both the outcomes that may be ever echoing in endless repercussion.

Constantly in a state of temporary situations these days. Living for three years and maybe five and maybe ten, in a state of flux. Ok, yeah I know about impermanence an' that but I'm just talking about the lack of stability and familiarity with my surroundings-- they keep changing and they keep on being out of my control to a larger extent than what makes me comfortable. And I know too that when I finally manage to shake off this temporal situation, an anxiety will overcome me and, a desire for movement and change and uncertainty will eclipse my feeling of security. “When the mind is secure it is in decay” according to Krishnamurti. --I'm of the same opinion, I think!

So there we have it. There it is. And there it goes. Over the wall under the fence and into the wild blue yonder, the field the future the rest of your lives the positive negative wholesome dolesome bothersome lonesome and sometimes fearsome. WE ARE IN THE WRONG POSITION.
And I thank you for remaining
with love
  ..ed

On and on again

An' I will stroll the merry way,An' jump the hedges first.An' I will drink the clear, clean water,For to quench my thirst.An' I shall watch the ferry-boats an' they'll get high.On a bluer ocean, against tomorrow's sky.An' I will never grow so old again.An' I will walk and talk, in gardens all wet with rain.

Living goes on and on. Always that way and nothing more. I wake up in the morning and sleep through the night. On and on.
If I were a horse I'd go horsing around seek the joys in spring and gallop to the top of the hill. I'd canter and neigh and have better things to say. But here I am, city dweller, at a loose-end fellar.
I'm a foriegner. That's what happens in other countries! And lets not tell tales here. Lets not get uppity or crabbit. Lets get to the truth of it all. Yep you know what I'm about to say cause you've heard it all before and the repetition is becoming mantra like and the repetition is what we like.
I found a dream was behind the closed curtains of my bedroom and locked in the depths of slumber. I was flying and in complete control. Doing tricks in the mid air. Not so elegant, but tricks are tricks and to be doing them in defiance of gravity is a wonder to experience; no space for error with these pleasures.
I can't open doors when flying. Can't seem to get near them!

Visa is in the process now and only at a hundredth of the price I was advised and expecting. That's the good news but living conditions are as before-- shared, frustrating and not to my liking, but not in a position to protest-- Change will come, and soon I think.

Communication with the world and access to information and entertainments is restricted... the world out there is more distant than it once was. I can cope and keep my head. I can keep my mind from descending. I can bake a loaf. I can amuse myself with the books.

Even before the last time I ever remembered the first and only time I was with the one person that had made me sit down and think about the way things are, I was sure I`d been there before. I now Know I had not. It was just a false memory that got stuck in my head for a while and like these things when you think of them too much you start to believe they actually happened in the hard world of solid things. But I forget what was said most of the time and the remnants are not sharp enough to try and set them down in words here. I am happy for it to be this way because I can redo the whole idea in my head and update the relevent aspects so as to keep up with changes that continue to progress at a rate of normal time speed. That's .... normal... Y`know what I mean.
I will leave it there before I get myself confused like I did one time a while back.

Regards and big love and thanks to all and sundry

  ..ed
xx