When I cut myself - I think of you

Trying so hard to cleanse myself,
I was turning into somebody else.
I was trying so hard to please myself,
I was turning into somebody else.
I was trying so hard to be myself
I was turning into somebody else.
I was trying so hard to be myself
I was turning into somebody else.
I was trying so hard to be myself
I was turning into somebody else.

Come my love with your desire
Out of the blue...and into the fire!!

I am just sitting and waiting thinking and brooding. I am the latest. The very greatest, and I admit I´m often wrong. But this is not of great importance. In fact it is the way of my life. Not so important. Just ticking like the clock on the wall. Ticking And talking and advancing with the Tiks talking to the pricks that are willing to lend an ear--or an eye!.

Jumbled and jossled. I keep singing the same songs to myself--only, without the words because I really don´t know the words to any songs.. Maybe three songs in the world I know most of the words to and even then They are likely incorrect. I have a problem getting to grips with the words. I don´t remember them, that´s all. Not much different from learning Spanish. About 4 years I´ve been here, off and on, and still my Spanish is shite beyond compare. I live with it--either that or I don´t, meaning get out or be dead. For the time being I am living with it. And not just that. I live with many other inconveniences. Hard to believe eh? !! But there are some, even in my life of complete ease and simplicity. Lets see. This country is full of shite people to put it blunt. Dishonest ignorant two face liars and cheats. Thats just for starters. It´s not that bad since I communicate only in a limited fashion with them. I observe and take note of others experiences and opinions--In general -- they share my view. I came accross this the other day--

Aren´t we nice people?

She puts it perfectly.

To pass the lonely hours, recently I´ve been downloading podcasts from the BBC. anything I find--In our time- philosophy, Religion, Science, culture, History, .. Desert Island Discs, Things you should know, Scottish football. Off the the ball. and a few others besides.. I just need some mental stimulation when in Esmeraldas. Off the ball doesnt supply that incidently. It´s not even as funny as it once was but I keep up to date with it anyway. As for Melvyn Bragg, the radio shows are often enlightening and inspirational.

I need to mention I am in a state of flux at the moment having to decide where and what and why I am going to do in the near future. I am thinking ...

this is a process. I think slow and move slow and live slow. So, things take time. especially with me. lots of time. And, sometimes I use time as a toy, to regret in later life I suppose. Just like slouching in my chair as a schoolboy and teachers telling me I´d regret it in later life. They were correct. I know and I knew then. I think maybe finally people decide to do the right thing just before death-if indeed they have the time to contemplate. I will do that. I am aware of the errors at the moment but still I don´t react. Foolish or stubborn or both.!

Terrible terrible luxury life.

I will speak again I assume.

So, love and shiny brass horns blowing soulful melodies into the sky--

´til next time...

xxxxx

Not arresting

Did you ever wake up to find
A day that broke up your mind
Destroyed your notion of circular time

It's just that demon life has got you in its sway

What's there to do when there's nobody round what's there to do do you care,,..

It's just rubbish this ----distance dullness dreary dead space time and and a low emotional state that is need of some sort o' arse kicking. shaking. escaping. Yeah that might be a short term remedy. I am considering a move to India-- or maybe even Pakistan, a few months just-- in the warmth and maybe even amidst the high up himalayas, perhaps the Karakoram- perhaps Kashmir or Sikkim maybe neither, maybe I could just find a quiet spot in the south- better food and less people hassle. Oh, it's just a wee idea for now. but something has to give. Someone has to give- has to give a lump o' callydosh to set me on my way.

A message to You

It doesn't matter if we never meet again
What we have said will always remain

Here is another year, new to all. It's a bit of a rigmarole, all the preparation and expectation--all leading to a quite indefinable disillusionment. And again we burn the past and open our arms and kiss in the New Year. Oh this will be the one, this will be different, this will bring change this will be my year this will bring profit prosperity greed need and want this will be my year this will be my year MY YEAR. Well guess what sonny Jim Bob----This is just another day and it's gonnae continue like all the previous days, Oh yeah there will be change--nothing is permanent as we know- the process of development and metamorphosis goes on aand on. But don't let yourself get carried away with high fallutin' ideas about a new dawn. That's a load of cods wallop and deep inside, you know it!!

I'm going to be super positive this year, I'm going to have a new outlook, I'm going to have a strange and exciting time, from waking up to waking up, all will be free and easy sexy and sensational, I will ride white horses and touch the sky with my lips on sundays I will take away the pain I will take away the pain. I will be in touch with the other side of everything and feel the motion of space in my fingertips. I will be stringy in my clothes that I will buy new I will be a sincere fucker who doesn't let go I will not let go. I will be a double figure all year long a fourth chance to make the numbers count. I will be on your mind seldomly you will occupy my thoughts constantly, I will have the energy of a wolf and the strength of one too I will just keep going when even the water is finished dripping .. drip drip.... drip ... onto parched land and sinking slowly.

And to you my dear lovely friends, amigos compadres, I bid you a happy and prosperous new Year

With all the love in my heart and concern in my mind

I am hoping you all cope.

Love and heartfelt kisses

..ed

xxxx

Rise of legends

I believe in little birds
I believe in dirty girls
I believe in going to hell

I believe I'll ring that bell

I believe in travelling far

I believe in the loud guitar

I believe that elvis is king

I believe in everything

but most of all I've got to say

I believe in Rock'n'Roll

There was an owl. I sighted it outside the flat around midnight. A pale dark shadow descending into a small square of wasteground outside my flat near Parque Carolina on Avenida De Los Shiris. I kept an eye on it's landing position realising it was most likely an owl. After a few moments of desperate rodent squeal, the bird rose and landed on a fence post only 20 metres from me. In its short bill dangled a decent sized rat, silent and lifeless. The almost white coloured bird, larger than I expected, was similar to a Barn Owl in it's markings but certainly larger. It sat still for about 60 seconds before spreading it's substantial wings and gracefully rising over Plaza de Argentinas, her pale plummage illuminated in the high set street lights. Beautiful and graceful. Leaving behind a wonderful excitement in a Scottish guy at a kitchen window smoking a cigarrette of Drum tobacco around midnight.

I cook my veg and eat it heartily. Leaving no morsels for the birdies or insects. That's the way it should be I think. My rice cooking is not improving, yesterday in my attempt at rice integral I realized no improvement whatsoever in the past 25 years. ´

There was a census here a couple of weeks ago. On a sunday. What a perverse situation that was. I was alone in the flat with Joaquine- Ok, I wasn´t alone! The census people arrive just after 8.00 am, two young girls in school uniform about 14 years old. The streets outside were silent and still. No traffic. No people on the pavements. No sign of life except for the occasional uniformed gunman or should I say gun duo, they hunted in pairs. I answered the questions- of which there were many, as best as I was able in a language I am no fluent speaker of. This lasted about a half hour. So from 8.30 until 5.30 that evening Joaquine and I were incarcerated in the apartment. To venture out would have meant bullets in the body for sure.

Despite these constraints it was rather fine to have a day of such silence and freedom from auto pollution .

Over the next couple of days Joaquine´s health deteriorated and culminated in a five day spell in hospital suffering from pneumonia. I don't blame the census for that. Joaquine is now back to his usual mischievous self.

I got up early today and went to Cyrano for bread and cakes. I neglected to buy a loaf yesterday. A mistake of course.

The legends of the future are maybe my friends today. I regret I cannot spot a legend before the official proclamation. I don't mind that. If they be legends let them be legends without my authority I say.

I am not sacrificing to you information regarding my inner feelings at this time. I would dissapoint you. I would not impress anyone.

Let's let it be for the time being. I can't give much. I don´t have much to give. I can tell thee to relax and not be uptight and be good to others. respect all living things and make decisions that will be detrimental only to thyself. As I try to.

My love and wishes of glorious splendidness

..ed

xxxx

chicken town

If you wait another day
I will wait a day
If you wait another day
I will wait a day
The time has got me in its sway
Though I'd like to ride away
I will wait another day

It's another day where the cloud hangs low and and the heat is high. Dogs continue to bark and the ants continue to scurry here there and everybloodywhere. The people dote sullenly, heads hung low and lacking any vitality. Any acknowledgement is a small but empty victory from any of these wreckages.

I have wandered the few streets of this town and seen nothing but corrugated roofed ramshackle buildings, scrawny chickens in the yard, old tyres for mosquito larvae, broken plant pots containing long dead plants, discarded lumps of rotting wood and clothing that have become rooted.

The barking and chicken crowing persist all day long and still it doesn't cease as evening falls on this deforested land; yet night after night the cloud clears to enable the moon and stars to gaze down on this pitiful spectacle. I shudder to understand why.

It started out as a bit of an adventure, a different environment in which to discover and explore. The novelty lasted for a while, about a day and a half, before it dawned on me there was no exploring to do and the only discovery was that of disgust as to why people allow this sad state of affairs, no pride, no respect and not even the slightest will to work together towards improvement..It's another day where the cloud hangs low and and the heat is high. Dogs continue to bark and the ants continue to scurry here there and everybloodywhere. The people dote sullenly, heads hung low and lacking any vitality. Any acknowledgement is a small but empty victory from any of these wreckages.

I have wandered the few streets of this town and seen nothing but corrugated roofed ramshackle buildings, scrawny chickens in the yard, old tyres for mosquito larvae, broken plant pots containing long dead plants, discarded lumps of rotting wood and clothing that have become rooted.

The barking and chicken crowing persist all day long and still it doesn't cease as evening falls on this deforested land; yet night after night the cloud clears to enable the moon and stars to gaze down on this pitiful spectacle. I shudder to understand why.

It started out as a bit of an adventure, a different environment in which to discover and explore. The novelty lasted for a while, about a day and a half, before it dawned on me there was no exploring to do and the only discovery was that of disgust as to why people allow this sad state of affairs, no pride, no respect and not even the slightest will to work together towards improvement..

Huh, maybe I'm a bit harsh towards the people. But it remains a shithole of a town. And to that I must add my own mental and physical conditions. Sore head, sore throat, hot chest, and a bundle of depression! Oh yes, this is the life. There is MJ though. The occasional hours together are still precious moments and I grasp them with both hands and clutch them with white fingers unwilling to let go but having to anyway!

This weekend I will spend in the city. Where there are parks and shops and entertainments to be found. Maybe not a wife, but a release from the constraints of shared accommodation dogs ants chickens and all the other annoyances.

And still I love .you

..ed

x

Beech fool

Ain't nothing but a stranger in this world

I'm nothing but a stranger in this world

I got a home on high in another land

So far away, so far away

Buses eh!!!

Speaking of which, I've been spending a lot of time on them recently. It's wearisome it really is.

Now I am in the country in which I am due to spend a large portion of the next section of my life and it seems to me it is going to be a time... A time unlike another time. A time unlike a time I have previously known. And since the future is always an unknown entity it is quite an obvious statement to make. Yes it's perfectly true that I am a fool.

Many things to consider at the moment. Many things to accept and try to not consider. I consider myself a fool. It makes any other explanation easier to accept. A fool to dig the holes a fool to keep on digging and a fool because it's easy. I don't really mind this. I know what I know and it's not as if I'm stupid. I'm not. Some people may think I am but I am aware of enough to know that I am not. I am not, however, clever. That would just be daft to go imagining that to be the case.

Tomorrow I will be A tree. A big swaying beech. Like the ones I know in Scotland. A very beautiful tree in my opinion. Great shape, leaves which are simple but everchanging. And the fruit is encased in these pleasingly textured pods that slowly curl open revealing the slim crispy cased nuts. Yes, a fine tree is the beech.

And it gets cold here. I feel the cold and it hurt my bones. I hate that cold. But This is not where I'm stopping this time I will move a little farther down the line into the jungle. onto that equator line where everything is weightless accept the weight of the mind....

I must now party.

My love to you once again is deep and strong

..ed

xx

andmoreagain

take this pill and wash it down
it'll bring out the beast in you
the road up to the past has long been closed
and what is that past to me now
an echo that just could not keep
from bouncing off a bricked up door

It's a good time to wait. It's a certainty that waiting will always come to an end, all things do!!!!

Where I now am is just north of the equator. I am going to live more or less right on it. That fat line neither north nor south. Just in the middle. and me so finely balanced, such a wonder of nature that has become infinitely equipoised as to create wonder from all those fortunate enough to bear witness. Ach, it's just fantastic//////////

There are problems in these times and most of them are mine. I just don't react well when I feel I should. I don't react quite often. I lay blame- if blame is the word I should use- on my upbringing, that way I feel less guilt - if guilt is the word I should use- ||||||||||||| now. If I were to be a bit more frank I would admit to my many faults and deliver unto thee a confessional jamboree. = you would not be interested-- I know you wouldn't. Nor would I.

My tummy is all tumblin'. I see a darkness, I like the song and the light can be blinding. But physically I feel less than fine.Mentally a nervy edge to all my thoughts, and nothing can take that from me. It will be just 4 days from this moment and I will be back in the bosom of my new family unit. After a six month intercontinental detachment, I will be once again in the arms of love. and experiencing the fantastic. oh, but what a complex set of emotions are running around in my noodle head,, an creating all sorts of side effects that are so hard to abate.

Am I happy? Are you asking? It's a philosophical conundrum. I refuse to be drawn-----

how times change.... and people, people also

I love you always

cheers

..ed

x